Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Dear Santa,

I've never been very good at this. Ya know, asking for what I want. Even as a kid, I barely remember asking for a particular toy or the "must-have" item of the year. Granted, I may have the world's worst memory so it's possible that I just don't recall correctly. I do, however, have emotional memories. What I mean is, I remember "feeling" nervous or uncomfortable asking for what I wanted. What if it was too expensive? What if I didn't really like it once I had it? What if it wasn't cool enough? What if it didn't look good on me? What if I'm being selfish? Half the time, I didn't even know what I wanted, perhaps due to that questioning voice in my head.

I envied my sister, she knew exactly what she wanted and never hesitated to ask for it. She was confident in the asking and confident in the receiving. This amazed me and I didn't understand it. How did she know exactly what she wanted and then not think twice about voicing it?

Fastforward to our adulthood, things haven't changed much. Of course, the things we desire are different but my sister still knows what she wants and creates a plan to get it. Having never really learned how to know what I want and own it, I still flounder. I'm not a total lost cause, I can usually pinpoint what I don't want now and on occassion, I can sense what I want and admit it to myself even if I can't or don't express it to others.

Looking at the state of the world and the hunger, poverty, war, and sickness that pervades it, I find it difficult to ask for more. And yet, I recognize that by denying who I am, I miss my opportunity to give the world, perhaps, what I was created to offer it. Reconciling these things is my challenge and I think it's something I will wrestle with forever. But I hope to continue making progress, discovering what I want, taking steps toward those findings and participating in this thing called life.

I know, I never finished my letter to Santa but I'm working on it. May each of us find and display the best of who we are, the desires of our hearts and the dreams of our childhoods sooner rather than later. Peace to you this holiday season.

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