Monday, December 8, 2008

Wandering At The Moment

I literally wandered around LA last night because I couldn't decide where I wanted to go. All I knew was that I didn't want to be home. I started in one direction but decided I didn't want to go there so I turned around walked back to where I started. As I continued to walk and turn and walk and turn, I was thinking "this is my life and it's pathetic." So, I've decided to spend the evening making lists. Not Christmas lists (although, I ought to at least start thinking about shopping) but rather lists of things I want to do/be and possible steps to get there. I know, revolutionary. Most of my processing and evaluating takes place in my head but I do take time to write it down from time to time, in fact, I've probably done this at least once or twice already this year. That's not going to stop me! I mean, it can't hurt to do it again...right? I don't expect to have any epiphanies as a result of this exercise but I do hope it allows my brain to breathe a bit, it's suffocating at the moment.

Evaluating and re-evaluating one's life is exhausting! I'm not sure most people spend this much time pouring over their direction, choices, calling, desires, dreams, etc. I have no way of comparing and it hardly matters. The point is, I want to believe that I have a true calling or purpose, that all of us have specific jobs to do while on earth. Perhaps it's just a romantic notion but I have to believe there is more to life and vocation than trying to pay the bills. Frequently, I hear people say they genuinely love what they do and I desperately want to relate to those words. I know life is about the journey and I don't mean to discount the importance of that piece. However, right now I'm just wandering without any direction, hoping my dream life drops out of the sky. I don't know where to turn and I can't see beyond my fears, doubts, limitations and excuses. I'm in my own way. Isn't that great?

If you are one of those who have already discovered your true vocation, celebrate it.

Okay, I'm off to make my lists.

Not all who wander are lost...(but I sure am.)
~J.R.R. Tolkien (and Me)

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